Monday, August 23, 2010

What was I thinking??

Today was supposed to be a day filled with cleaning, shopping, studying, and of course playing with Cooper. The day started out wonderful! Cooper slept from 9PM-9AM waking up once to be fed. AMAZING!!! He was happy, smiley, and full of energy (nothing out of the ordinary). Then he went all crazy on me. He wouldn't eat, sleep, or play...well, he would play if I was holding him. Now I should've been happy because he wanted me to hold him. He would smile and giggle at me and just kick and squeal! It was adorable but I had a plan to clean all the dishes in the sink, wash the massive pile of dirty clothes, and get ready for the day to buy some baby food, and get some studying in. I was frustrated. There were a lot of other things going on at the same time with him but I think you can get the idea that I was just frustrated.

Days like today make me think to myself...parenthood is hard work. What was I thinking? Am I a good mother?

Then I passed the picture of Kegan's headstone on our fridge. I often think about what kind of mother I would have been for him. Would I be patient, loving, caring, grateful? I know that I would have been a good mother but would I have been the same as I am for Cooper? After we found out I was pregnant with Cooper I was scared. Especially when I was diagnosed with kidney stones and hydronephrosis at 8 weeks along. I thought "great...we are going to loose this baby." I even bled a little bit and was hysterical. However, with Kegan I was calmer and more relaxed about the whole thing. I don't think I realized how much of a blessing it was to be carrying him.

I now know that what we experienced with Kegan has made me a better mother and person. I am more caring than I would have been. I am more patient, loving, and grateful as a mother. There are times when I just look at Cooper and start crying (happily of course). I am truly grateful to be both Kegan and Cooper's mother. They both have taught me how to be a better person and to care for others on a different level. I feel heart-broken (a different kind of heart-broken) for the woman who have to experience infertility, miscarriage, and death of a child. I do know the feeling of empty arms and longing to snuggle your own child. I also know the feeling of sleepless nights, screaming baby and all the other things along with parenthood.

Many of you might not know but Brady and I had decided to take Kegan off life support. He was not improving and only getting worse. We thought it was time to let him go. We gave him all the chances we could. It was the hardest thing we have ever had to choose. But I am so happy for the little time we got to spend with him. He has a sweet spirit and is our angel baby.

I am so grateful to be a mother...especially to two boys! Even on days like today I often have to sit back and realize that being a parent is a huge blessing in my life. I am grateful that Cooper is here and healthy! His lungs work well (unlike Kegan's) and his scream/cry/laugh/giggle is something to be grateful for. I finally did relax and enjoyed holding Cooper. My heart broke for wanting to do other things over the precious time I have with my baby.

What was I thinking?

Mommy with her two boys...sort of :) And look at Cooper's cute smile!
Visiting brother's gravesite.


Lindsey said...

Oh Kelsey, this was such a touching post to read. How blessed both of your boys are to have you as a mother.

Danielle said...

YOu are such a strong Mommy! I look up to you! :)

The Mele's said...

gosh darnit... kelsey! you are such a sweet mom.

Kevin & Maryann ZELLER said...

You are doing wonderful as we all knew you would! Just enjoy what you have they do grow up so fast and before you know it they are teenagers with their own little lives. Dont sweat the small stuff and focus on the big stuff, as in how great of a mother you are to Cooper!

Robison Family said...

Wow! 1st of all, you are an amazing person and mom. Your little boys are so lucky to have you as their mom. It definitely touched me, and being a mother is hard work, but so worth it. =) I love you.

Nathan & Rachael said...

Kelsey you are so sweet! I remember when Brady spoke on Mother's day when we were still in Rexburg and how much his talk and testimony touched me. You are a beautiful, loving mother and I am so grateful for your example of faith and strength. Your two boys are blessed to have you as their mother. Love you Kels!! cute pics of you guys.