roller-coaster

Each year as the holiday's approach I seem to jump on the "emotional roller-coaster".  It wasn't until the other night that I understood why.

I miss our little boy.

He'd actually be a big boy now. He'd be 4 1/2 years old.

What he'd look like?
How smart he would be?
Would he like football, soccer, baseball, tennis??
What would be on his Christmas list?
What would be his favorite meal?
Would he love mashed potatoes as much as I do?
Would his dark hair be curly or straight? 
I would really love to see his face light up Christmas morning.
I'd love to see him sing in the Primary Program at church.
I'd love to see him kiss and hug on his little brothers.
I'd love to hear him giggle with his Daddy.
I would absolutely love to snuggle with him and kiss his chubby cheeks (I imagine they'd be chubby).

It's not easy. It breaks my heart every year. As time goes on it's getting easier. But it's also harder in many ways.

I really miss him. Even though I carried him for 26 weeks and only held him once - I miss him very much.