Kegan's Special Birthday

It is so hard to believe 5 years have gone by since we held our precious little boy.  Each year we usually make a cake and look at pictures but we decided to add a little something this year:

I had Cooper help me make his cake!

 He went bonkers over eating the frosting instead of "helping" me.  He threw a massive tantrum when we were all done.

 the boys got a little gift.  We got them a mitt and baseball.

 we let go of 5 blue balloons while at the park.  We were planning to fly a kite but it was too windy for it.

 Saying "bye" to the balloon

 Crew letting go

 Waving bye

 My sweet boys!

 lighting the candles

 so happy to blow them out!

 and they were trick candles! I didn't know I had bought them so we all were surprised!

 eating lots of cake

We had a very special and hard day.  There were a few moments with tears and thinking about his birth and short life.  We are extremely grateful to have him in our family and for the short life that he lived.  He is so incredibly special and so perfect.  It's hard not to imagine him playing with his siblings.  I know they would have a blast running around!  We can't wait to hold him in our arms again and kiss his little cheeks.

Father's Day

Father's Day was pretty laid back this year.  On Saturday, we went and had him pick out his Dremmel that he wanted and then had some ice cream at Kiwi Loco - yummy!! Then on Sunday, we started off the day letting Brady sleep in and waking him up with some banana pancakes (with chocolate chips)!  This is when he got his candy bouquet, "World's Best Dad Hands Down" sign, and matching ties for all the boys.  He played with the boys while I got ready for church and then we headed to church - it starts at 12:00 right now...right at Cooper's nap time.  When we got home the boys took an amazing nap and we cleaned up our place.  That night we had some delicious pizza and watched a movie of Brady's choice.  Overall, I think he had a great day that was special for him!

My boys with their matching ties!!!

 These two are becoming best buddies.  They both pick on each other ALL the time!

 Crew gets so excited over the littlest things!! Here he is excited about the flower.

 Cooper is Brady's little mini.  He looks just like him!  He is constantly on the move and this is the best picture I could get!  Can you believe this little man can do full on pull ups?!?!

Now on to a little bragging...

Brady is the best man I have EVER met!  He is kind, loving, tender, funny, smokin' hot, thoughtful, hard working, and super smart.  I am so blessed to have married Brady.  He is the best husband and father I could ever wished for.  We make a good team.  He provides for our family and cares for our happiness.  He's super organized and kind of what you'd call a "clean freak!" haha but I think I'm wearing on him just a little bit..his shoes are no longer organized in perfect rows, by color (you should see his closet - it's pretty perfect still)!  I love him so incredibly much and am proud to call him my husband and the father of our children.

Thinking

I've been thinking of Kegan a lot lately.  I don't know if it's because we have come upon June (the month of his birthday), working in NICU with all the itty bitty kiddos, starting to talk to Cooper more about him, or maybe the fact that he'd be 5 this year?  I'm not sure.  But during that time of loss I felt as though no one understood how I felt or what they could do to help.  I had my Savior and Brady to help me through the toughest time.  I was the first of my friends to have a baby.  I didn't know anyone who had lost an infant that I was close with. And really, what do you say?

Since we have moved to Idaho I have heard more and more infants passing than I have ever even imagined possible.  I have heard about families in the community, friends have called for advice for another mother, working with women who have had held their own lifeless baby, reading blogs of other "angel mommy's" and even an infant passing in our own extended family.  I have found that I am really not alone.  I have other angel mommy's to talk to and to grow strength from.  I am thankful for the blogging world.  Through other blogs I have been able to gain a stronger testimony of the atonement and strength in the darkest days.  Through these angel mommy's I have become a better angel mommy and am not so hard on myself.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to feel angry.  It's okay to feel the emptiness of wanting to hold your child again.  The heartache will always be there but there's so much happiness too!

Through reading other blogs and talking with other angel mommy's I have found I am doing extremely well!  My occasional breakdowns every couple months is really not too bad!  I am able and wanting to talk about Kegan with anyone - unless it's just not appropriate of course.  I'm opening up.  I think for 5 years I have been holding it in too much.  Brady and I feel we need to acknowledge him more in our family and celebrate his life!

So, with that being said we are starting some traditions.  One, is the March of Dimes.  And another, we are going to celebrate his birthday/death day as a joyous day!  A day to remember him and have joy that he is a part of our family - compared to the tearful, heart breaking day we usually have.  It's going to be great and I know Cooper will LOVE to blow out his candles!

This is a start.  A different approach to our continuous grieving that we will always have.  And I will be sharing it with all of you!

There are several posts below.  Be sure to check them all out!  And when I find time between these 3 handsome boys I'll be posting more!

House Update

Here's the house painted!

The outside still is not done.

 den

 front door/den

 walking in the front door

 livingroom

 dining area/kitchen

 half bath, den, front door.

 pantry

 laundry room

 boys' bathroom and bedroom

 standing in laundry room - two front bedrooms and bathroom

 master bedroom

 master bathroom door

 master bathroom. his/her closets