Monday, June 11, 2012

Thinking

I've been thinking of Kegan a lot lately.  I don't know if it's because we have come upon June (the month of his birthday), working in NICU with all the itty bitty kiddos, starting to talk to Cooper more about him, or maybe the fact that he'd be 5 this year?  I'm not sure.  But during that time of loss I felt as though no one understood how I felt or what they could do to help.  I had my Savior and Brady to help me through the toughest time.  I was the first of my friends to have a baby.  I didn't know anyone who had lost an infant that I was close with. And really, what do you say?

Since we have moved to Idaho I have heard more and more infants passing than I have ever even imagined possible.  I have heard about families in the community, friends have called for advice for another mother, working with women who have had held their own lifeless baby, reading blogs of other "angel mommy's" and even an infant passing in our own extended family.  I have found that I am really not alone.  I have other angel mommy's to talk to and to grow strength from.  I am thankful for the blogging world.  Through other blogs I have been able to gain a stronger testimony of the atonement and strength in the darkest days.  Through these angel mommy's I have become a better angel mommy and am not so hard on myself.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to feel angry.  It's okay to feel the emptiness of wanting to hold your child again.  The heartache will always be there but there's so much happiness too!

Through reading other blogs and talking with other angel mommy's I have found I am doing extremely well!  My occasional breakdowns every couple months is really not too bad!  I am able and wanting to talk about Kegan with anyone - unless it's just not appropriate of course.  I'm opening up.  I think for 5 years I have been holding it in too much.  Brady and I feel we need to acknowledge him more in our family and celebrate his life!

So, with that being said we are starting some traditions.  One, is the March of Dimes.  And another, we are going to celebrate his birthday/death day as a joyous day!  A day to remember him and have joy that he is a part of our family - compared to the tearful, heart breaking day we usually have.  It's going to be great and I know Cooper will LOVE to blow out his candles!

This is a start.  A different approach to our continuous grieving that we will always have.  And I will be sharing it with all of you!

3 comments:

Katie Petersen said...

After we lost Zach my aunt and uncle who lost a baby said "Welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of." I have thought about that statement so much and I think it is so true. For some reason, when I meet others that have lost babies, I just feel a special bond with them that I don't feel with others. I agree that talking about our angel babies is a great way to keep their memory living and is also great therapy. We are grateful for y'alls example to know that life can go on and you can be truly happy! I know our boys are doing some great work together in Heaven!

Brady & Kelsey said...

Kelsey, this is you loving husband. I don't know what to say that can ease the constant emptiness of our/your heart. We can talk about how he's lucky to skip the craziness of this world, how he would very likely have had a very limited quality of life, how he's in a better place, but the truth is, we still wish he was here. The world can be such an amazing place filled with love, happiness, beauty, and fulfillment. I wish he was here to experience that. And, I wish he was here for us to experience it with him. I can't imagine how our lives would be different having spent the last 5 years raising Kegan. I think about what an amazing big brother he would be- teaching Cooper to play soccer and other sports, helping change diapers, teaching his brothers new words and fun games to play. The thought of it all is so sweet. I yearn for it every second of everyday. But, we can find peace together as a loving family that can celebrate his place in our family. We will never forget, never let go, never leave him behind. He won't let it happen either. He's a part of us, a part of our lives, and his spirit will be our guardian angel. It is okay to cry and I'm always here to lend a shoulder. I love you so much.

The Mele's said...

Kelsey, I can't read this without crying and thanking my Father in Heaven that I have my children around me. I'm grateful that you have the strength to post and share this. Your positive attitude helps me so much.