Thinking

I've been thinking of Kegan a lot lately.  I don't know if it's because we have come upon June (the month of his birthday), working in NICU with all the itty bitty kiddos, starting to talk to Cooper more about him, or maybe the fact that he'd be 5 this year?  I'm not sure.  But during that time of loss I felt as though no one understood how I felt or what they could do to help.  I had my Savior and Brady to help me through the toughest time.  I was the first of my friends to have a baby.  I didn't know anyone who had lost an infant that I was close with. And really, what do you say?

Since we have moved to Idaho I have heard more and more infants passing than I have ever even imagined possible.  I have heard about families in the community, friends have called for advice for another mother, working with women who have had held their own lifeless baby, reading blogs of other "angel mommy's" and even an infant passing in our own extended family.  I have found that I am really not alone.  I have other angel mommy's to talk to and to grow strength from.  I am thankful for the blogging world.  Through other blogs I have been able to gain a stronger testimony of the atonement and strength in the darkest days.  Through these angel mommy's I have become a better angel mommy and am not so hard on myself.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to feel angry.  It's okay to feel the emptiness of wanting to hold your child again.  The heartache will always be there but there's so much happiness too!

Through reading other blogs and talking with other angel mommy's I have found I am doing extremely well!  My occasional breakdowns every couple months is really not too bad!  I am able and wanting to talk about Kegan with anyone - unless it's just not appropriate of course.  I'm opening up.  I think for 5 years I have been holding it in too much.  Brady and I feel we need to acknowledge him more in our family and celebrate his life!

So, with that being said we are starting some traditions.  One, is the March of Dimes.  And another, we are going to celebrate his birthday/death day as a joyous day!  A day to remember him and have joy that he is a part of our family - compared to the tearful, heart breaking day we usually have.  It's going to be great and I know Cooper will LOVE to blow out his candles!

This is a start.  A different approach to our continuous grieving that we will always have.  And I will be sharing it with all of you!

There are several posts below.  Be sure to check them all out!  And when I find time between these 3 handsome boys I'll be posting more!

House Update

Here's the house painted!

The outside still is not done.

 den

 front door/den

 walking in the front door

 livingroom

 dining area/kitchen

 half bath, den, front door.

 pantry

 laundry room

 boys' bathroom and bedroom

 standing in laundry room - two front bedrooms and bathroom

 master bedroom

 master bathroom door

 master bathroom. his/her closets

Crew's First Haircut

BEFORE

 DURING

 AFTER

Bath time!

The boys love their baths! I was so excited and anxious for Crew to sit up and be steady while in the tub so the two could play together. Now I wish I could give one a bath without the other wanting to jump in!! Either way, it's always full of laughing, splashing and even some fighting (duh) over toys. And believe me, Crew can hold his own and voices his opinion!

Mommy and Crew after the bath. I come out showered myself. I don't understand how Brady comes out dry when he gives them a bath!

 Crew has an amazing laugh! It's super contagious and gets every one in the room laughing!

 our sweet boys!

 Now that Crew is moving around he likes to crawl and play in the tub. It scares me but he has NO fear when it comes to water. He even enjoys sticking his face in the water and comes up smiling every time!

Kite Flying

We were given a kite for Easter from Reed and Laura. On a warm, windy day we went to an open area (soccer complex) to fly the kite. I'm not sure if Cooper loved to run around freely or the kite more!

 he can't contain his excitement!

It was a beautiful day that we will always remember! Crew slept the entire time, which was nice so i could take as many pictures as I wanted. And as we were getting ready to leave an older man came with a remote control airplane and his dog. Two of Cooper's favorite things! Oh he had the greatest day!!

Walking

We have been doing a lot of walking this year. The boys seem to love sitting in the wagon together and we really enjoy some quieter time. Our favorite place to walk is along the canyon, of course! The sunsets are beautiful and the view are amazing. Cooper always asks to see the water and gets so excited about it! He's always looking for boats and birds. Not too long ago the boys and I were walking with a friend when I heard Cooper ask "what's that?" I look down to see him walking towards a garden snake. I think it scared me more than him and I reacted a little more dramatic than I should have. The snake was fine but Cooper keeps talking about how the "snake bite!" haha Every time we have gone back he talks about how the "snake bite!" Silly boy